Transparency and Swollen Eyes
Before you even read this, look at the picture above: notice may eyes, my lack of general pleasant appearance. Yeah well, not everything on this site is going to be sunshine. Cuz sh*t gets emotional and unpretty and I want to be as transparent as possible. I cried myself to sleep last night. Has that ever happened to you? I feel like there’s a season for it in my life. I go through periods of being stoic and not letting anything bother me, and trying to see the positive in every situation, and then all of a sudden, it hits me. Now, all of the tears are a form of purging, and crying to that extent can be quite cathartic, but it also prevented me from getting a good night’s sleep because 1: my eyes are too swollen, and 2: I can’t breathe because my nose is so plugged up.
I had a good exercise day yesterday. I lifted, went home for a bit, then went to spin and yoga. On the way home from yoga, I spoke with a friend that I haven’t spoken to in a very very long time, and it was so wonderful chatting with her and catching up, but the conversation triggered things that just made me tap into myself and the feelings I sometimes shove aside, and the tears just flowed…all night. I’m a person who cries at random things. I feel like life throws a lot at as and we all handle it in our own ways, and I know that 20 years with a chronic illness like Lupus and everything it’s put me through is a reason sometimes I break down. Life hasn’t been easy for me, and I’m not complaining about it or never feeling sorry about it, but it’s just a fact. I’ve missed out on a lot in my life and will miss out on future “normalcy” that other people have. I wanted that normalcy at one point in my life, but I came to realize that for me personally, the cost outweighs the benefits. And that’s totally cool. I have my dogs and my health and my ability to travel and so much more. But still… “just sayin'” on that subject.
I push through a lot, but sometimes I just go through these little stints of crying and being sad. Not for any specific reason, I just think that I go through little life bumps where I have to cry it out because that is the best form of therapy for me at the moment. I talk things out all the time, I’m pretty open and honest. But there’s just times where purging through tears is the best option for me. The key is to have these moments and then make sure they pass, otherwise you can get stuck in them… and I don’t wanna be a constant cry baby like a chick on The Bachelor, so I get through my lil “moments”, suck it up, realize how beautiful life is, and I move on, because at the end of the day, it has to be a choice to keep moving forward, right?